"Whoof, just got back from the new Antoine Marais movie. That was rough."
"Oh yeah I saw that over the weekend. They really did Carl Frisby dirty. Like he's usually so likeable and funny and they made you really believe he could microwave all those infants."
"Yeah! And conversely I didn't ever sympathize with Lucy Osserman like they clearly want you to. Like when she had that breakdown in the campaign poster warehouse I was just like, 'Okay, but why do I care?'"
"That fucking warehouse, though. Like all the most fucked-up scenes are in there, as like a thematic thing, and then Lucy starts crying because she finally reads the text message and it's like. Did they think that wasn't the odd one out? Was that supposed to be as fucked up as the ghost orgy or the triple drill murder? Lot of strange decisions."
"All the most fucked-up scenes except the cottage one."
"True, yeah. That barely had anything to do with the main plot, though. Billie the Slammer's entire title defense subplot was barely connected to the rest and just felt like an excuse to build up to the cottage sequence."
"And an excuse to give Kristen Cena-Bautista a paycheck to spend on more steroids."
"You could literally have cast her in Carl Frisby's role and it would have been a better movie, though! Literally excise Billie the Slammer entirely and do that. The baby microwaver doesn't intrinsically need to be a portly short guy. It could be a 9 foot tall buff woman with a voice like a mountain lion who smokes 10 packs a day."
"Hold on, what?"
"Kristen Cena-Bautista is 9 feet tall, they use forced perspective and composite shots in her film roles. I can send you some of her Olympics matches if you're not squeamish."
"I'll pass. Anyway, here's the real question: What does the mid-credits scene mean?"
"I don't hold it to be canon, but I think the implication was that Ryan Reynolds dreamed the events of the movie after Carl Frisby's character drugged him."
"Okay but he didn't drug him, it looked like he tricked him into eating a bowl of tiny writhing screaming Lucy Ossermans?"
"It's a hallucination. He already had a couple bites, right? Before he looked down? He was hallucinating that the drug cereal was that, instead of drug cereal."
"Oh! Okay, that makes total sense, yeah."