Unearthed design documents reveal "dead wife" slate of cancelled Capcom remakes

Exclusively from the Wall Street Journal's prestigious videogames reporting newsroom, we can now reveal several unannounced titles that Capcom cancelled in 2010 after Swedish developer Grin's 2009 remake of Bionic Commando did not sell 5,000 million billion copies, as executives expected it to. In spite of its compelling narrative, where the Bionic Commando's robot arm is also his dead wife, audiences were inexplicably lukewarm.

Editor's Note: The Wall Street Journal categorically denies allegations that these documents were obtained via a an impressively clever and unambiguously ethical scheme involving arson and employee seduction/catfishing at Capcom's American branch office.

Ghosts & Goblins

In development by Hungarian studio Rictus (no relation to Grin), this third person open world survival horror shooter followed the quest of Staff Sergeant Arthur Camelon and his unit in the British special forces as they investigated a Romanian village plagued by goblins who are also ghosts. Goblin ghost teeth were used as a currency to upgrade Arthur's magic sword, which is also his dead wife.

Captain Commando

In collaborative development by Ukraine's GSC Game World (of Stalker franchise fame) and Minnesota's Ice Skullpture Studio (developers of GBA sleeper hit Super Serial Killer Kart featuring John Wayne Gacy), this open world street racing game also featured crime scene investigation elements and brutal melee combat sequences with a detailed bodily dismemberment system. Players take on the role of The Captain, former Formula 1 champion for Mercedes-AMG, whose wife was obliterated in a garage explosion. By winning street races and both committing and solving horrific murders, the Captain would upgrade his sentient car, the Captain's Commando, which is also his dead wife.

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs

In early pre-production under the hands-on guidance of John Lasseter, Pixar's first internally developed video game would have been an open world platformer with an innovative real-time strategy/economic management layer. To distract from his wife's bisection by two hungry tyrannosaurs, Dr. Jack Tenrec traverses ancient Aztec temple complexes to acquire valuable artifacts, and sells them on the black market to fund his two businesses, a chain of vintage car restoration garages, and a zoo housing genetically engineered live dinosaurs. His chauffeur, adorable mascot Steggy the Stegosaurus, is a mutated clone of his dead wife.

Darkstalkers

In beta and nearly ready to be released, this Devil May Cry inspired character action game by Mindscape also featured a complex and rewarding magic jetski upgrade system. Players could play as sexy catgirl Felicia, sexy demon girl Morrigan, or edgy angst-riddled skeleton man Lord Raptor, and set about dismantling edgy vampire Count Demitri's blood meth rackets in open world Key West. In the game as well as in real life, Key West is also Florida's dead wife.