Transcript of Live TV Recording from the Dimension of Tonal Whiplash

a typewriter page accompanying a scrying orb that is too deteriorated to play back more than a couple more times

Transcript of Live TV Recording from the Dimension of Tonal Whiplash
stock photo via unsplash

[Stock footage plays of Capital City's glittering skyscrapers at night, accompanied by jolly orchestral music.]

Enthusiastic Announcer: "Live, from the Fivescore Victims' Memorial Hall in Capital City, it's the Rusty the Clown show! Tonight's guests:"

[A still photo is displayed of a man in uniform with sad eyes and a hollow smile.]

"Major 'Irredeemable' Calvin O'Sanguine, veteran of three of the five Suffering Wars!"

[A still photo is displayed of a handsome man shrugging and looking unfazed by the pie filling all over his face and loud aloha shirt.]

"'Hot Carl' Anusdestruction, star of the upcoming season of legendary sketch comedy institution The Mirthmax Hilarity Hour!"

[The stock footage ends, and a crane camera swoops over a cheering crowd and settles on Rusty the Clown, who is wearing a hot pink tailored suit with a repeating pattern of fluorescent green exclamation marks.]

Rusty the Clown: "Welcome, my friends. Do you ever think about mortality? Yours, mine, anyone's really. We're all here for so short a time. How in good conscience can any of us waste a single second of it? The people you love can be taken from you at any time, without a shred of warning. Any expression of affection, from touching their hand or hugging them tightly, could be the last. Please, never take them for granted. If you do, the hurting will never really stop when they're gone. Never, for even a moment."

[An audience member audibly yells "Oh my god" and dashes out of the auditorium, presumably to go see a loved one.]

"Aaaaaand that's the monologue! After the break, I'll review these cigars that my sidekick Wobbly Jo got at the marketplace. I'm sure they'll be an absolute treat. Don't go anywhere!"

[Cheery orchestral music begins, and there is a shot of an old woman with trembling hands grinning madly as she wraps cigar labels around sticks of dynamite. The first advertisement then begins, with a shot of sunbeams shining through a tree canopy.]

Solemn Announcer: "Does your suffering know no end? Talk to your doctor about the Quietus home coma inducing system. You don't have to be conscious during the wait for a better world."

[The second advertisement begins, depicting two young girls riding beautiful horses through a verdant field on a clear, beautiful day.]

First Girl: "What could be better than this, my dearest pal?"

Second Girl: "Surely nothing in the world, my most treasured confidant."

[An anthropomorphic horsewoman with a bodybuilder's physique plunges from the sky and does a superhero three-point landing in front of the two girls, leaving a small crater. She stands up and points at them.]

Muscula, the Horse Who Deadlifts: "Wrong, bitches! You clearly haven't been to Skatopia's new subpark, where horses can skateboard too!"

[Guitar shredding accompanies a montage of horses with excited children riding them doing sick skateboard tricks somehow.]