Local News Roundup

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Local News Roundup
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HUTCHINSON, KANSAS - Last Monday, the sun ceased to shine on the Miller Street Community Center, enveloping it in darkness. None have entered or left the establishment since. Shawn MacMurray, 41, a local plumber with no face, emitted a mournful buzzing sound for exactly thirty minutes when coerced for comment.

BARTLETT, MISSISSIPPI - Charlotte Rodriguez, age 9, has been awarded an A in History class. Everyone is very proud of her for doing such a good job. She is a very good girl. She has never done anything wrong in her life thus far, and indeed when she finally does make a mistake in 14 years or so, she will be wholly unprepared and will never recover.

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA - A baby kangaroo cries out for its mother, but unfortunately she does not exist. The baby kangaroo has manifested abruptly from nothing, and will return to nothing only after several minutes of confusion and distress. Such is life.

GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH, THE PACIFIC OCEAN - Shannon O'Neal, 31, did not expect her first shift at the new IHOP location in Billings, Montana to go quite this badly. She should have.