A pretty light one, tonight, gentlemen. None of these is anywhere near as worrisome as the Topeka incident last night, and Jenkins still bagged all three of those creatures before they could achieve stage two ascension.
Spring Hill, Tennessee (31 minutes after start of shift)
Incident: Call to 24-hour poison control hotline tripped keyword alerts. Caller reported a high fever, and that they had begun sweating a viscous, glowing liquid.
Resolution: Pepsico strike team alerted and dispatched, subject recaptured and returned to sector harvesting facility before significant amounts of viable Mountain Dew catalyst were lost.
Central Underearth, Hollow Earth Republic (2 hours 54 minutes after start of shift)
Incident: Molefolk authorities requested help suppressing dirt shortage riots.
Resolution: We are technically under military jurisdiction, so we can't intervene directly according to the terms of the 1994 treaty. Fortunately, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a well-armed and reliable giant worm militia, and they were available. I received confirmation a couple hours before the end of my shift that the riots had been quelled with minimal casualties.
Personal Comment: If someone wants to pass around a petition for the Director to reverse her order forbidding aid shipments to the Republic, I would sign in a heartbeat. They may not be human but they don't deserve to starve, and we have so much dirt that we can spare.
Palo Alto, California (3 hours 22 minutes after start of shift)
Incident: 911 call forwarded by local department. One of the Google Gators escaped containment, and made his way to the home of the woman he was married to before the injections. She, understandably, was alarmed by an anthropomorphic alligator in nanorugby gear clawing at her kitchen window in the middle of the night, and called the cops.
Resolution: The escaped team member was apprehended by league personnel, and the Gators' match this weekend against the Facebook Fremen and the OpenAI The The Eye Creatures has been postponed pending medical clearance and a security audit.
Miami, Florida (9 hours 14 minutes after start of shift)
Incident: Local PD busted a group of teenage chronosodium glutenate abusers. As instructed, they contacted us before questioning them.
Resolution: Agents Schect, Ramirez, and 41-B travelled on-site via the jump room, and interrogated the time teens. It was determined they originated in June of 1985, which the number crunchers (scientists) put into the number crunchers (creatures) to further narrow the window of what year the CSG dealer is operating from.
Personal Comment: 41-B told me this is bigtime (no pun intended) progress on that investigation, which is good because from my relativistic perspective they've been tracking that dealer since the 1950s, though I understand that has changed before and may change again.
I clocked out 14 minutes ago, and I verify via logged psi-scan #287263 that this report is accurate to the best of my knowledge.
--Technician 1st-Class Abraham Lincoln (23rd iteration)