UAC Phobos Research Lab - Final Log Entry

An audio log found in an abandoned ruin.

UAC Phobos Research Lab - Final Log Entry
Phobos, via NASA / JPL-Caltech / University of Arizona

This is Dr. Samuel Hayden, director of research.

Two nights ago, the Hell Exploitation Project suffered its most disastrous setback. An update to one of the NPM dependencies on the Ritual Automation Server created a rounding error, resulting in the unexpected creation of a portal to a terrifying realm beyond human understanding.

For a moment, we glimpsed soft golden sunbeams filtering through the canopy of a lush green forest, and heard the gentle flow of a crystal clear stream a short distance away from the threshold. Before we could fully process our terror, the creatures came through.

Despite 36 hours of lockdown and seven extermination sweeps by our security team, an unknown number of mischievous gnomes are still hiding in the facility. The scampering of their little feet in the maintenance shafts and the echoes of their impish giggles haunt us everywhere.

Personnel are utilizing the buddy system after a series of encounters where isolated researchers were cornered by packs of roving gnomes, who assigned their victims to hunt for whimsical trinkets whose locations were hinted at in song. Laden with pastoral imagery and clever rhymes, these melodic riddles led to horrifying artifacts, hidden in plain sight in our own facility.

Last night I solved one of the riddles myself, in my quarters. Nestled behind my framed PhD in applied infernomatics, I found a polished brass figurine of a beetle, with "Wherever you go, there you are!" engraved on its belly in cursive handwriting.

I have ordered the facility evacuated and then scuttled via orbital bombardment.