Transcript of the Youtube Creator Awards 2024 winner for best apology

Hey, what's up. A lot of you have been messaging me, you know, about the allegations. The stuff. You know. All the crimes. Alleged crimes. The things. Anyway. I think the normal thing to do here, like the expected thing, is to like. Apologize? Be like "hey, person's name, I acknowledge that I set all those fires, and crashed those cars, and the one airplane, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, and the people who lived and worked in those buildings, and that family of beavers sleeping in their dam that the Cessna just completely obliterated." Like, hypothetically. If those were the things I did. Or did not do. As appropriate.

But my audience knows from experience that I don't like to do what's expected of me. I'm a rebel. I'm an iconoclasp-- I can clasm-- icon of... I break statues. Metaphorically speaking. So what I'm gonna do here today instead, is I'm going to tell you who I am. And why I am. You already know what I am. An icono-- a statue smash guy. But the who? And the why? Those are a tantalizing mystery. Today I will give you the clues to solve it. Like in the David Fincher movie Seven, but with fewer murders. Maybe even no murders! Allegedly.

But first! This video is sponsored by Galaxian. No, not the 1980s arcade game, the streaming service. See, YouTube is where our audience is, but hates both our audience and us, the content millers. The content farmers. We cultivate it. Contentivate. Creation.

Anyway, because YouTube hates us so much, we started another website. A website designed from the ground up to hate us less, and you less. But unfortunately, our audience doesn't care enough to go to a different website. Also we paywall everything, so it's actually a completely different business model in the first place. And we only post some of our videos there. We're still YouTubers but you can pay us for more YouTubes that aren't on YouTube. That's the only way YouTubing can be sustainable, if we cut out YouTube, but not completely.

Anyway, subscribe now for my exclusive feature length review event Hut Quest, where I visited all the Pizza Hut locations in my home state, and compare and contrast their wings. Had to do wings because at first we shot it comparing the pizza and it was just all exactly the same. They really have that down consistently. The wings have some variance so we reshot and focused on that.

Now, back to the mystery clues. The first clue is my childhood. I grew up straddling the two worlds of the... the world. The two places. Online, and not-online. Or as some call it, offline.

I'd come home after detention, and I would vent on the forums about how it was bullshit that they wouldn't let me keep doing my project to throw all the balls the school owned onto the highway during gym class. Soccer, football, non-foot basketball, medicine. Medicine balls were really tough to throw over the fence onto the highway, but I had grit. And gumption.

Anyway so I'd get on all the forums. You know. Gaia Online, Something Awful, Bodybuilding dot com, Newgrounds, Cartoon Network, Runescape Grieferz dot net, Newgrounds but through this proxy that rethemed the site to look kinda Star Warsy like the inside of the imperial star destroyers, all the usual haunts. And that's where I found my people.

Sure, my offline school friends were also into downloading Dragonball Z skins for Counter-Strike Source and microphone spamming "In the End" by Linkin Park with samples of Bush post-9/11 speeches edited in and pitch shifted up chipmunk style. But it wasn't the same. They knew the irrelevant parts of me, like how my dad was a pharmacist, and how I had a bootleg Tenchi Muyo wall scroll of the space ship rabbit attending a book burning with Bubbles from Powerpuff Girls.

I mean listen okay these parts are relevant now, to why I'm like this, and who I am, and. Shhh anyway okay.

So anyway like. I had a rough time growing up. I went through some stuff, you know? And uh. Where was I.

[a visible cut where dead air was edited out]

Right, right, my people. Wait no. That doesn't...

Listen, it's okay that I killed those people, and did the arsons and stuff, because my dad got me a Nintendo GameCube on Christmas 2003, and not a Playstation 2. I've had such a hard time, and I was lashing out, and you should forgive me. Or I might kill you! Allegedly. Hypothetically, you know, if you really pissed me off.

Anyway, like and subscribe. Gonna be streaming One Piece vs. Bleach: A Rift Between Worlds multiplayer this weekend on Twitch. Still editing the review of season 4 of Frasier, that'll be done in a week or two. I'm also on Patreon, Twitter, Bluesky, Instagram, Threads, Facebook, DeviantArt, Newgrounds, e621, Reddit, Ko-fi, Subscribestar, Mastodon, and BitTorrent. And again, I cannot stress this enough, you could also subscribe to Galaxian, because it's really just not sustainable to only YouTube on YouTube.

Okay, peace out.

[The video description clarifies that it's called Nebula, not Galaxian, and also he was thinking of Galaga, and has never played Galaxian, though it does also exist, and is very similar.]