Come on down!

an abridged transcript of a DVD-RW recording of a TV broadcast

Come on down!
stock photo via unsplash

Announcer: "The Happenstance Coincidence Hour will return after this message! Don't go away!"

A montage begins of cozy footage of a family in a farmhouse, and also occasionally them tending pigs, cows, and cornfields.

Narrator: "When our Uncle Jimmy died, well, it weren't too surprising. He was old, and crotchety, and the only thing that still brought him joy was a real good rack of fork-tender ribs."

Desaturated footage of the family at a funeral soon transitions into a scene of the farmhouse in a thunderstorm. The door is kicked open by a silhouetted figure.

Narrator: "So when Uncle Jimmy came back to us from beyond the veil, enthusiastic to spread the Word of a brand new style of country barbecue, we listened, and listened close."

An extended montage begins of people laughing, socializing, and happily eating barbecue meals at restaurant chain locations with a shared aesthetic of unpainted wood, fireplaces, and decorative mounted antlers.

Narrator: "At Uncle Jimmy's Ranch, we believe in something more than succulent, flavorful morsels of slow-cooked meat. We believe in family. Yours, ours, everyone's. The family of meat. The family we all share under the skin."

The montage begins including scenes of happy employees in the kitchens, operating smokers and firepits, and preparing cuts of raw meat.

Narrator: "Beyond the veil, in the next world, Uncle Jimmy says there ain't much difference between souls. White, black, cow, pig, light, shadow. The little differences between us fall away like a rattler's shed scales, and don't seem so important no more."

A shot of several waiters serving plates to a large party of a dozen diners, who are very excited to receive them.

Narrator: "That's not to say we serve anything shady. Nah, friend, when you eat at Uncle Jimmy's you're eating the highest quality beef, pork, and chicken to be found on God's green earth. Don't you worry about that."

A shot of a happy line cook clocking out and waving goodbye to his coworkers, who wave back with warm smiles.

Narrator: "Ain't no point in arguin' with folks set in their ways. When the End comes they'll know the truth, and we'll clap 'em on the back and tell 'em there ain't no hard feelings. And in the meantime? We'll serve 'em up some pork ribs so tender and juicy they'll know the honest nature of our hearts."

A series of exterior shots of Uncle Jimmy's Ranch locations by moonlight, with their staff posing for warm group photos. Many of them have their arms on each other's shoulders, some pairs hold each other's hands sweetly.

Narrator: "So bring your family on down to the Ranch tonight. Uncle Jimmy's Ranch. And join our meat family forever."

The commercial ends and the camera sweeps over a cheering studio audience, to a stage where two diverse groups of four people are sitting on opposite couches. The people are all quite different but each member is wearing the exact same outfit as someone in the other group.

Nondescript Handsome White Man Host: "Have we got a show for you tonight!!"